No camera = Slow blog

My corner in Blog Land has been unusually quiet lately because *sob* I have no camera. But don't tell my mom - who gave it to me for Christmas - that it only lasted 3 months in the hands of her supposedly responsible daughter. She'll probably call me and use my middle name "Caitlin Mayme!" or something. I discovered the dead camera about 2 weeks ago and a reader of this blog suggested putting it in a Ziploc bag with rice and it might regain life. It is still in that rice bag on my fridge and utterly lifeless. It's terrible - Easter is around the corner and my girls have so many fun celebrations and egg hunts this week and I'm learning new crafty skills and slowly becoming a runner and making new friends and there's just so much worth capturing in pictures and I'm left camera-less for the time being. Hope to remedy that soon!

Normal Nights

I am happy to announce that I have achieved yet another "normal" in life. Sure, we are in what we hope is a somewhat temporary situation (location- and work-wise) but the day-to-day of it all has resumed rhyme and reason. Micah's work schedule is mostly predictable, I am settling into the neighborhood (I haven't gotten myself lost in a month), the kitchen and I are slowly becoming friends (the smoke detector still screams daily but the end product is more than edible), and we are making friends and getting out more. And - my favorite part of every day - the evenings are chill. Nearly a year after our deployment (I say "our" because it affected each of us in a big way) and I can say that Micah and I know our girls equally well. It's huge to know we both have a good read on their needs and moods and how to deal with those things.

So Micah gets home around 5ish. Charli has helped me make dinner and Claire has successfully emptied the silverware drawer of every last spoon. Claire sits and grins at her daddy with an almost worshipful gaze when he walks in and Charli's first words to him are "want to build a BIG tower, daddy?" and "want to try something NEW?!" And so they do. Every day. While I pour the ice water and scrape the burnt edges off the main course on its way to the table.

After dinner all 4 of us end up on the livingroom floor for blocks and books and, lately, "Yimpics". Speed skating is our favorite. Charli chants, "Let's go, Uh-0h, let's go" in support of the speedy Apollo Ohno.

We laugh together and tell stories. And sometimes our tired eyes glance at the clock in anticipation of bedtime, but all the while it feels GOOD to have a normal. *sigh*

The Treasure Under My Feet

"Patience is a hard discipline. It is not just waiting until something happens over which we have no control: the arrival of the bus, the end of the rain, the return of a friend, the... resolution of a conflict. Patience is not a waiting passivity until someone else does something. Patience asks us to live the moment to the fullest, to be completely present to the moment, to taste the here and now, to be where we are. When we are impatient we try to get away from where we are. We behave as if the real thing will happen tomorrow, later and somewhere else. Let's be patient and trust that the treasure we look for is hidden in the ground on which we stand." (Henri Nouwen)
It is a constant battle I face; it is so easy to approach the present as a sort of interim, as if today is something to be got through so that "real" life can finally begin. Right now, "real" life for me would be living in northwest Grand Rapids, Micah securing a 9-5 job, my possibly having a part-time nursing job, being primarily home with the girls, having plenty of money (why, oh why can't we just be satisfied with "enough"?!), and having most of the extraneous details and situations fall into place too. Ha, who am I kidding? To wait for that bucket list to actually happen all at once would doom me to a life of discontent. To wait for "real life" would be no life at all. I know this in my head. Yet I keep waiting for something to click, lights to flash, and VOILA: a neat little life for Caitlin appears! This quote struck me today because it does not condemn the hope to have something different for tomorrow; rather, it's a reminder that today is just as REAL and just as worthy of my time and energy and appreciation. Truly, it is a treasure if we look for it.

Today I am going to be thankful to have free time (a.k.a. boredom). I am going to use it to love on my girls one at a time (a.k.a. not multi-tasking with laundry, etc.). I will call my husband and think about how much I love him and how grateful I am for what he does and sacrifices for me (a.k.a. not dwelling on my loneliness without him). I will stop to give my sister a hug (teenage heart-ache stings, and she won't be a teenager in need of hugs forever). I will thank God for the treasures he places in my lap and the ones he hides under my feet.

A Quick Look Back, And Hope For Tomorrow

Looking back, 2009 seems like the year that lasted longer than a year. Everything that happened...no way it could only have taken 365 days. My precious Claire was born. Micah missed it, but returned from Iraq/war three months later. Frantic job search. Deep soul search. Whirlwind reunion summer. Joy in finding work; sorrow in another goodbye. Learning the rental process from every angle. Evaluations and re-evaluations. Move to Kentucky; more goodbyes. Learn to be a family again; more joy. Holiday homecoming. More questions. Abundant love.

Talking. Growing. Faith. Doubt. Joy. Children. Sadness. Chaos. Boredom. Weakness. Love. Overcoming. Relationships. God. Never. Fails.

This is what always happens when I consciously slow down in order to think about this last year or so. My brain starts off just fine, in Full-Sentence Mode if you will. Before long it deteriorates into fragments, then single words, sometimes completely unrelated thoughts. 2009 was unquestionably the fullest year of my 25-year existence thus far. And any attempt at a simple recap is doomed because I can't, for the life of me, even pick a general feeling to describe it. The greatest highs and deepest lows found their way into me and without such a faithful God, loving husband, and supportive family, it could have been very wearing. But I am loved, cared-for, and listened to, and thus feel exceedingly blessed. I wouldn't wish to re-live last year, but I am grateful for it and wouldn't give it back.

It is safe to say that '09 was a blessed year. I realized the love present in my marriage like I never have before; through thick and thin we went, and loved. It brings me endless joy to watch our children grow up with health and brightness and hilarity in their every development. My girls are my treasures. Every one of my needs were met. I grew closer to several of my favorite friends. There were opportunities for fun and for stretching. I learned so much. Like to not only seek wisdom and guidance in many directions, but to filter it appropriately. And to fight for what is important to me and best for those I love most, even at the risk of hurt feelings or disapproval along the way.

My biggest and favorite lesson/realization of the year: I have a significant yet oh-so-tiny place in the great scheme of things. God is God and I am not. As all-important as life (or money, loneliness, doubt, future-planning, arguments, child-raising, etc.) can seem, there is so much more that is going on in God's creation and his plan for redemption. So much more and so much bigger. Bigger than me. I have a place, but it isn't about me. Thank you, Lord, for that!

And so, going into 2010, I hope to grow in awareness of my relationship to things in this life and with God. I will strive to grow in grace by submitting my cares more fully to Him. Each day, I will begin with "Our Father who art in heaven, hallowed be thy name; thy kingdom come, thy will be done on earth as it is heaven." And I will make an effort to be more aware (globally and in my own home) of how heaven is being brought to earth.

And so on we go, armed with the experiences from the past year, boldly into the next. Full of hope, arm-in-arm with fellow life-travelers, confident in the One we follow. Happy New Year!